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Return to:Tu B'Shevat Time to check for Bugs
Return to:Kosher Guide for Olim
Kashrus certifications KosherQuest recommends, Rabbi Eliezer Eidlitz, http://kosherquest.org/
| Return to:Kosher Israeli Food pyramid
Kosher Israeli Food pyramid
These are sample products and are neither an endorsement nor recommendation of the products. Please check the Kashrus of your products
This is a sample of food types and the frequency of each:
Daily: Drink Water and Exercise. Walking is always good.
- Breads, Grains, Pastas, Potatoes, Hummus,
- Carrots, Salads, Fruits and Vegetables, Olives and Olive Oil, Nuts,
- Dairy, Milk, Rice Milk, Yogurt, Cheese,
- Chicken, Fish, Eggs, and Grape Juice,
Very seldom use Wine
Return to:Food Combining
| Return to: Alex and Joelle Wedding
Alex and Joelle Wedding
| Return to: Buy locally and save.
Buy locally and save
A Yeshiva in Jerusalem, Men are studying.
Somewhere in the world (China) a Siamese cat is taking an internet order: "You wish to purchase this product code # 389 269 5452 9 89... Tracking # 566 8666... And that will be $100 for extra shipping costs, insurance fees.... Taxes and currency exchange costs."
A Plane flies overhead.
Supervisor Postal Cat: "We received this package via Deer mail... Please take this to Mr. Paws on Straus St. Via #3 bus in Jerusalem.. In Back of the secret home of Rav Baker."
Postal Cat thinking: ' I wonder what's inside. It says fragile.'
Supervisor Postal Cat: "We shall expect you back at 22:00."
Postal Cat: " Yes, Sir."
Supervisor Postal Cat: "Once we finish, I want you to come stay for Shabbat."
Alien looking at the 2 Cats: "Woow!" Beep
The Alien Spacecraft: "Shabbat! wow Beep."
Postal Cat walking on the rooftops.
Postal Cat with his iPad to Mr. Paws: "Plesae put your paw print on the recept."
Mr. Paws with the Mystical Crystal iPhone. He tries and tries to turn it on. It does not work,”Dead on Arrival”.
Mr. Paws puts it back in the box: "Err Grrrr Oh!"
Mr. Paws to his wife: "I tried to save money buying on E-Bay... but it's too expensive to ship it back... It's broken. I guess I need to buy it local."
His Wife: 'Oh, Expensive."
| Return to: The Ham from ZOT: information please.
The Ham from ZOT: information please
Alien taking photos.
Mr. Whiskers looking at his filling, He thinks: "My filling is going on again."
Filling: "The Federal Reserve banks have decided to increase inflation of American currency by 15% as they are desperate to pay off debts to Siamese Cats. Big Bankers Case Mice are the enemy of the working poor."
Mr. Whiskers: "I wonder... if I should put all my money in an Israeli Bank?"
Agent 71: "Oh... They're so rude though."
Filling: "Chase Mice has bought off 4 more failing banks in the United States... only the "Big Cats" have survived this year’s banking crisis."
Fat Cat Banker: "Buy Everything!"
Mr. Whiskers: "I'm thinking of having this darn filling remove."
Mrs. Whiskers: "Well then go to the Dentist."
Mr. Whiskers: "then I'd have to actually go to the Dentist."
Mrs. Whiskers: "I guess you would."
Agent 71listening to the Filling. Filling: "Laid off squirrels have been seen with picket signs at many businesses today... The unions won't be satisfied until their demands at Bud's Market be met. Picketers have been harassing those who dare to cross the line in the parking lots this morning."
Agent 71: Oh my gosh.... I need to speak directly to 2,4, or 7... Mr. Whisker's tooth has more to report... American currency inflation at 15%... debt to Siamese Cats. Big Cats Chase Mice banks... Squirrels on strike... Union demands."
Spice, Mr. Whisker's daughter: "Why is hammy making so much noise?"
Agent 71: "Eek Eek Squeek Squak."
Mr. Whiskers: "Oh Well... at least it's not in video."
| Return to: Ulpan; Hebrew the easy way!
Ulpan; Hebrew the easy way!
Ulpan Teacher: "Yammer,yammer, Le ech bo"
Mr. Whiskers: "What did she say?"
Mrs. Whiskers: "I'm not sure."
Mr. Whiskers: "Write it all down. I can't see the backboard."
Mrs. Whiskers: "I have the tape recorder going, you can listen at home."
Ulpan Teacher: "Blah blah blah yammer Yammer Lee le ech cha cha cha?" "Mr. Whiskers, Blah Blah Duma?"
Mr. Whiskers: "Oh...Er...Eh..."
Ulpan Teacher: "Infinitive Blah blah le BU" "Now we will take a short break re nezte"
Mr. Whiskers: "I need to see your notes... I can't see the board and the book's print is unreadable."
Mrs. Whiskers: "Have a sandwich."
Mr. Whiskers: "I feel sick... I have a headache."
Mrs. Whiskers: "Lets see it's LBV and M Who he he she Llamu why me who."
Mr. Whiskers: "My eyes hurt, I'm leaving. I’m going to buy some peanuts."
Mrs. Whiskers: "I'll see you later."
Mr. Whiskers: "I just have one more problem. My back is killing me, my eyes hurt and I think I'm hoing to throw up."
| Return to:The ham from ZOT page 1.
The ham from ZOT
At the front of a herbal Medicine store on Rehov Agrippas, in Jerusalem a Muscle Builder looking Male hamster, Secret Agent 8, enters the secret entrance of זאת headquarters.
A very sexy looking Female Hamster, Secret Agent 87, running to the elevator: "Hold"
Agent 87: "Haven't seen you in a few 8."
Agent 8: "Just got in from the Continent, How are you 87?"
Agent 87: "Can't complain, 2s in a mood today."
Agent 8: "Got Cha."
Agent 30, Miss. Sweetums is the secretary to the Boss of ZOT.
In Agent 30's office, Agent 8: "Hello, Miss Sweetums, I need to see 2."
Agent 30: "Just a moment."
"You may go in now 8."
Agent waiting in line thinking: 'Big Shot.'
Agent 8: "Hello Sir!"
The Boss, an ageing, overweight, Agent 2, Good to see you 8.... have a seat."How is the Voltart investigation coming along?"
Agent 8: "Fine fine here's the codex from the Chinese RFID chips."
Agent 2: "I have another assignment for you.""There is a moving Company that is placing listening devises in people's armchairs. Also... We have discovered new U.F.O.s whose base camp is over Jerusalem. This next assignment will be dangerous."
Agent 8: "No problem."
Later; Agent 8: "looks like we will be working together 87.'
Agent 87: "R.M.C. (Rat Moving Company) is dangerous, we'll need a plan."
Agent 8: "We will need disguises."
Agents 87 & 8 are disguised as rats. Next to a R.M.C. Moving Van, Agent 8: "Wait here... I will try to ask where the warehouse is... I speak rat."
Agent 8 to Rat Mover: "I'm looking for a job with Rat Moving Company."Rat Mover: "You can contact the boss at 35 zelzol St. in the sewer."
Agent 87: "Did you find out their headquarters?"
Agent 8: "Yes... In the sewer pipes. The boss is Ed-gorvitch and ... now for the hard part... riding on the 8 bus during rush hour.'
|Return to:The ham from ZOT Page 2.
Agent 8: "I'm going to disable their computer with a new program bacteria.'
Agent 87: "I detect a redioflux catolic signal." Squirrels as poor porters.
Agent 8 spying at the rats: "get ready set to stun."
"They won't remember a thing.' They stun the rats.
In the Rat Moving Company office, Agent 8: "There, I found the password." " Almost done."
Agent 87: "Hurry up. Let's go!"
Agent 8 and 87 on the Egged 8 bus.
Agent 8: "I sent the word to 2."
Agent 87: "With all this work you’d think they'd give us a car! Those poor squirrels slave labor!"
Agent 8: "That should set those Rats back a while."
Agent 87: "2 wanted us to check out that UN worker on Adam St. After that I want dinner."
Agent 8: "he lives up in that apartment there."
"This will allow us to listen into the apartments. Let's see."
Bug: "Miriam where're the Metamucil? I can't seem to go."
Agent 8: "Not that Apt! Ha Ha."
Bug: "I'm sick of those odd Rats- friends of yours coming here every night!"
Agent 8: "Apt. #8! We'll have to return at night. I'll bug their cars." Next to the UN car."I'll put the mic under the dash."
Agent 8 walking away with Agent 87, "H.Q. has got to give me a car. better cover at night."
Agent 87 and Agent 2 next to a street cleaner, Agent 87: What! That's a street cleaning vehicle!"
Agent 2: "it's a great cover 8. and it's all we have available."
|Return to:The ham from ZOT Page 3.
Mr. Whiskers: "don't know what's worse, N.S.A. using tracking devises on credit cars or Voltart Co's RFID Chips sold in everything we buy.."
"I heard it on coast to Coast AM... on my filling - they put people in FEMA death camps.."
Sugar, Mr. Whiskers' daughter: "Oh Daddy."
Mr. & Mrs. Whiskers on the 8 bus, Mr. Whiskers: "The US State Department are using Dogs as spies now... What we need are a few good pit bulls here."
At the Shuk, a Hamster is chasing a Cat, Mr. Whiskers: "What was That!" to Mrs. Whiskers.
Mr. Whiskers: "I know my vision is limited, but I saw & felt a hamster chasing a cat with glasses on."
Mrs. Whiskers: "At the Shuk? You mean a cat chasing a mouse?"
Mr. Whiskers: "No a hamster chasing a cat with glasses on."
Mrs. Whiskers: "Perhaps we need to go home now."
Mr. Whiskers: "Hamster, it was a hamster."
Mrs. Whiskers: "I think you need to go home. Mice casing cats." " You're dehydrated, drink some water!'
Mr. Whiskers: "yes, Dear."
Agent 8 thinking: 'Man... I lost him maybe he went this way.' to his cell phone: "listen. he had an amulet on him and he levitated a fish! I believe he's a member of the 'Mystical Elect of the World'! M.E.O.W."
M.E.O.W. Operative QD Cat thinking: 'That was close! A ZOT operative was chasing me.'
Operative QD Cat: "Operative QD calling in... I have the amulet. Beam me up!" The Cat disappears in a transporter beam.
At Mr. Whiskers home, Agent 71 in her cage (Mr. Whiskers Hamster) on her cell phone: "Zot Headquarters... Let me speak to 2, this is 71. yeah, Mr. Whiskers was talking about seeing a hamster chasing a cat at the Shuk today. You say that 8 was there today and saw a cat levitating a fish? For Real? I don't know, maybe he should be here, locked up instead of me."
|Return to:The ham from ZOT page 4.
Next week; At Mr. Whiskers home, Agent 71 in her cage (Mr. Whiskers Hamster) on her cell phone: "Hello, HQ I need to talk to 2, or maybe 5, this is operative 71. Yes, yes, no, no but I'm really tired of this location. I need a change... and this cage needs to be changed!" "Aren't I due for a vacation soon? Alright well yes Mr. Whiskers mentioned tracking devises placed in peoples credit cards. He's been getting his info from his mercury fillings in his teeth. Id really like to go to South America some place warm. Well, talk to you tomorrow bye."
Spice, Mr. Whiskers' daughter: "Hi Mom - Did you buy Romen today?"
Sugar and Spice, Mr. Whiskers' daughters, are fighting over who is to change Agent 71's cage, Sugar: "You're so inconsiderate."Spice: "You're so selfish."
Sugar: "I'm so selfish, you haven't changed hammy's cage in weeks."
Spice: 'Then you do it."
Agent 71: "It would be nice if someone changed my cage."
Later; Mr. Whiskers and his wife are at the Super market.
Mr. Whiskers: "If I use this credit card, chances are National Security Agency will find out exactly what's in our shopping cart." "They'll know exactly what cereal you buy. The Fat in our milk."
"They'll have on record that you bought chocolate spread every week!"
"They'll know what stores we visit, how much money we spend, even create a data graph as to our every day movements."
Mrs. Whiskers hands the Checkout Clerk a credit Card:"I didn't bring cash."
Mr. Whiskers: "Dear, now they'll know everything we did today."
At home, Mrs. Whiskers thinks: 'This is too much.'
Mr. Whiskers: "It's better to take out cash; We've got to use cash! How many times do I need to remind you... They'll take us away.. Go right on..."
Mrs. Whiskers: "Dear, Change the hamster cage, It smells."
Mr. Whiskers: "Yes, Dear."
Agent 71: Finally, Thank heaven!"
| Return to: D. Banando Private Eye and the case of the Mysterious Ms. Dantman Page 1.
D. Banando Private Eye and the case of the Mysterious Ms. Dantman
A 1940's Detective Novel.
The Door says: D. Banando P.I. Have claws will travel
Two Police Dogs walk into D. Banando's office. Police Dog: "Bernando in?"
Miss Albrite, D. Banando's blond secretary: "I'll tell Mr. Banando you want'n to see him." As she does her nails.
Miss Albrite to the intercom: 'Mr. Banando, a Lieutenant Q is want'n to speak with yas."
D. Banando: "Alright, Miss Albrite send him in."
D. Banando hangs up his hat and coat on the coat rack next to the window and Thinks: 'This place is a mess.'
The 2 Police Dogs walk in D. Banando's office. One Officer is carrying a bag of Donuts. Lieutenant Q starts questions D. Banando: "Bernano... we're got some missing persons reported... anything unusual happening..." “let us knows if you find out anything."
As the officers leave his office, D. Banando: "the name's Banando - Yes, I will."
Later gun shots are fired at his office window at the coat rack. 'Bang Bang!!' The window blinds and window glass are shattered. The coat rack, hat and coat are on the floor.
Miss Albrite runs into D. Banando's office looking shocked.
D. Banando: "Miss Albrite someone knows I'm on the case... and of course is afraid of my superior investigation skills."
Miss Albrite: "Then why did they aim at the dummy?"
D. Banando: "That wasn't funny."
|Return to: D. Banando Private Eye and the case of the Mysterious Ms. Dantman page 2.
The next day Ms. Dantman, a gorgeous sexy redhead with all the right curves, who is dressed in black with a large brimmed black hat and red turtleneck top, walks into D. Banando's office. Ms. Dantman to Miss Albrite, who is dressed in a white sailors top with a blue pleated skirt: "I am Ms. Dantman to see Mr. Banando."
Miss Albrite to the intercom: Mr. Banando, there's a Ms. Dantman here to see yas."
D. Banando: "Send her right in Miss. Albrite."
Ms. Dantman walks into his office as Miss. Albrite laughs her head off.
D. Banando: "How can I help you Ms. Dantman?"
Ms. Dantman: "My Daughter's dog and a dozen donuts have disappeared!"
D. Banando: "What?"
Ms. Dantman: "Yes, it was Friday evening... I was going to have guests over and I had sent my daughter out to walk the dog. The dog has disappeared and the next day... I noticed the donuts are gone as well! "
“I know I could count on you Mr. Banando."
D. Banando with a puzzled look on his face: "Why is that? Have a seat Ms. Dantman."
Ms. Dantman: "Well you see, I only trust persons whose names are from the first half of the alphabet."
D. Banando thinking: 'Obviously she has heard of my talents as an investigator.'
Speaking to Ms. Dantman: "Have you gone to the Police?"
Ms. Dantman: "Oh... No they begin with P."
D. Banando: "It will take money for me to begin."
Ms. Dantman: "Oh, How unpleasant."
D. Banando: "because it's an M word?"
Ms. Dantman: "How about cash?"
D. Banando: "that will be fine. I will start right away."
"Er... It looks like an ABC cut and dry case to me... Ms. Dantman."
| Return to:Zorro the Cat and three Senioritas
Zorro the Cat and three Senioritas
Singing Cat: "Let me tell you friends about eh legendary Sephardic folk here... El Zorro!"
Three single female Sephardic Cats admireing Zorro.
Cat 1: " He's so handsome."
Cat 2: "Ah Zorro!"
Cat 3: "And unmarried."
As Zorro tries to runs away, Cat 3: "One Minute Senior Zorro." she grabs him. "Oh Senior you are so so..."
Cat 2: "Oh Senior Zorro you must come for dinner."
Cat 3: "The nerve! He is mine!"
The Two Cats are fighting among themselves.
Cat 1: "Oh Zorro." as Zorro runs away.
| Return to:Celestial Operator
The Celestial Operator is a crystal ball which connects people to each other. similar to a video phone or Skype® or a galactic internet.
Mr. Whiskers teenage daughter, Sugar and his wife at home.
Sugar to her mother who is very sad: "Why'er so sad Mom?"
Mom: "I miss your brothers. I use to talk to Alex every day to find out if David was alright!'
Sugar puts her iBall® (like an iPhone but for the galactic internet) down on the table. Sugar: "here... use my iBall, don't worry, I'll dial."
Sugar to iBall: "Hum... Egity Peggity Poogity pottity."
iBall showing 'Pacman Bell®': "Username and Password."
Sugar: "Cutiefudge, Chocolate 41."
Mom thinking: 'I'm suppose to remember all this!?'
Celestial Operator: "This is the Celestial Operator. What planet please?"
Mom, crying: "Well, you see my son hasn't been returning my calls or my e-mails... I'm so worried about him... ever since we made Aliyah and you know the boys stayed in the States... the time difference, it's so hard to catch him."
Celestial Operator: "I see you're dialing from Earth?"
"So you wanted to call what number please."
Mom: "We moved to Jerusalem and he's in L.A. - Los Angeles, CA 818-268-4071 He's really such a good boy."
Celestial Operator: "Thank you for choosing 'Pacman Bell®."
Alex is on the iBall: "Mom!"
Mom is very happy.
| Return to: The story of Zorro the Cat
The story of Zorro the Cat
Cat singing: "Zorro so cunning and free." as a Cat dressed as Zorro walks around.
Zorro swings into Nina's balcony. Zorro casts his eyes on the lovely Nina. Zorro hands Nina a plate of Chicken. Zorro: "A token of my esteem."
Nina: "תודה "
Zorro: "meow?" he loves Nina.
Nina's mother hits him over the head with a cast iron frying pan. Mother: "How dare you touch the Nina!"
Cat singing: "La, La, La" "Poor Zorro." "La, La, La"
Zorro to Cat singing: "Wise guy."